Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Scamology, part 3

"If I'd had more time, I'd have written a shorter letter" - Cicero
Well, maybe not shorter, but definitely better edited.

Chapter 3 (cont.)

Disclaimer: This is fiction. If you make anything of it, it’s your own dirty mind at work. Go sue yourself. You know who you are, and so do I.

The story so far: L. Jack Horner is a Fantasy Fiction writer who has decided to create his own religion. He is to be the prophet-in-charge and head priest of course. He is in it for the money. He is pissed off because his reams of dross do not make him the kind of cash that one blabbermouth holy roller can rake in. After some meandering philosophizing that he no doubt considers “pearls before swine”, he decides to get serious.

Next, L. Jack turns his attention to Secret Societies. He studies the mixed success of one of his contemporaries, Aleister Frawley. Aleister was an egomaniac that sprang fully formed from his mother’s loins in Angland. He was also a Right Bastard, and proclaimed by a sitting judge to be the nastiest man in what remained of the Brigish Empire. This was meant in the same way that a deeply ethnic Black woman means it when she says, “You Nasty!”

Aleister took a page from more ancient Secret Societies, but formed his around the principles of Tantric Yoga and the stage-magic offshoots of Zoroastrianism. He did this mainly because it gave him the kind of cachet he needed to pursue his favorite hobby, buggering younger men and women. He is credited for being the first to re-spell “magic” as “magyk”, and is indirectly responsible for the spelling of, “chemical white shit used to lighten coffee” as, “kreem”. His evil lives on.

At the height of his success, Aleister had a whole colony of followers that thought he was a god and liked to be buggered. They set up shop in Sisilia until the dictator Muscletini took one look and kicked them the hell out of his future Mafia theme park. Frawley was quick to credit his “magyk,” and karmic retribution for the fact that Muscletini never lived to see his dream realized.

After that, it seemed like the ministry of Aleister Frawley faltered into the tepid regions of the lunatic fringe, but there was one or two things about his later life that L. Jack found interesting. For one, he largely supported himself through book publications. For another, he always seemed to have a tight cadre of loyal friends who would support him in his hour of need.

This in turn, led L. Jack to study Frawly’s inspirations, Dyspensky, His wife “Dyspenskia”, and their mentor, the famous mystic Curdcheif (pronounced like kerchief with a “d”). This bunch went all through Europe during the time of the Ruskan Revolution, convincing everyone that happiness derived from concentration and joy in menial tasks. They got a lot of free drudge work done for them in consequence. The Ruskian revolutionary, Topsky, liked their message very much, and thought it promoted the right blend of service and servitude. He was heard to remark that they could all have become great friends if only Curdcheif and Company had shared his love of vodka. L. Jack was impressed with the clever way that Curdcheif and the Dyspenskys got other people to toil for them, and pay for the privilege besides.

Frawley, like Jacob Jones before him, claims to be privy to secret knowledge, and have divine (or demonic) help in the translation. He also surrounds himself with arcane symbols which he imbues with mystical “magykal” power. For this portion of Frawley’s inspiration, L. Jack turns his attention to a very old and reasonably successful and durable Secret Society, the Stonelayers.

(to be continued)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Scamology, part 2.

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The story you are about to read takes place on an imaginary parallel world in a parallel universe. Any similarities to real people or events is caused by your own mind connecting dots that might or might not be there. The author takes no responsibility for the contents of minds belonging to evil dot-connectors. The names of people in this parallel universe have been changed to protect the innocent from the overly litigious perpetrators of similar scams.

Chapter 3: From Embryo to Fetus

L. Jack studies other people’s success stories. He studies Jacob Jones, the founder of Ritrardism, also known as the Lost Saints of the Deity Church, or the LSD Church. Jacob had convinced his followers that he had discovered several tablets of strange writing. These tablets were not stone, or even clay, but had been made by impressing symbols into huge sheets of salt water taffy. Over the centuries, the taffy had achieved the hardness of carborundum. That, coupled with its irresistible nature made the threat of broken teeth too real to allow anyone else to see these tablets. Jacob claimed that he was able to resist temptation and translate the tablets through divine intervention by the angel Boni, and by putting the tablet and his head inside a pickle barrel.

The tablets told the story of three Evacuations from the Middle-East in Biblical Times to the new world, and the civilizations resulting from those dramatic Movements. Among the people to spew forth were the Jarhedds, the Nejurks, the Lardast, and the descendants of Mukluk. Very, very, VERY long story short, there were Troubles, wars, and great and heroic feats took place. When it looked like the whole thing was circling the bowl, the prophet known as Ritrard, last in a long line of Holy Prevaricators, created a Reader’s Digest version of their history. He did this by painstakingly impressing individual characters into the once-pliable salt water taffy, typesetting not having been invented yet. Shortly after this feat, the art of making salt water taffy was lost, along with the art of making Rayon. This proved to be the death blow for the ancient civilization. The shame over the carelessness in losing these treasured recipes, the very things that separated their culture from the primitives all around them, caused the Last of the Nejurks to completely obliterate any trace of their civilization. Utterly consumed by self-disgust, they then marched themselves five abreast into the sea. Since they were Indo-European and not Chinese, it took them only four days, five hours, and nineteen minutes to become extinct.

That the tablets contained information about events that had not yet happened at the time of their composition is one of the Great Unexplained Miracles, and an article of faith in the LSD Church. The other one is how events that are tenuously linked to Pre-Calumnian civilizations in the Itchytan Peninsula in Central Amurka came to be discovered in a hole in the ground in Dysconnectedy, New Yawk. When questioned about either of these puzzling miracles, Ritrards immediately launch into a comparison of the two. Hence the birth of the expression, “to pull the other one”.

L. Jack was duly impressed that Jacob Jones and his successors were able to Sell this, and vowed to look into it further.

(to be continued)

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Scamology Part 1.

If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, religion is the world’s oldest scam. It gets repackaged and re-invented over the years. It incorporates other scams and spins them off, out of the religious mainstream as well. Psychics, and fortune-tellers owe their trade to bygone religious mummery and superstition. The modern art of advertising owes its success to psychological triggers that were first unearthed and exploited by religious organizations.

The basic tools, indoctrination, misdirection, mass hypnosis, isolation achieved through paranoia, are always the same. Beyond this, most modern religions also follow a basic structural formula that is more similar than diverse, regardless of the veneer applied to it. Every once in a while, someone invents a “new” religion, but they almost invariably imitate the same system of scams that have been proven to work time and again.

A good scam is like one of those headache-inducing pictures that look like random patterns on first glance, but when you force your eyes to focus a foot behind the plane of the canvas, another pattern or 3d-seeming object appears. The best scams have the most ornate patterns of bullshit to disguise the underlying design. If you want to see the underlying design, it helps to know what you are looking for. Most people’s education is lacking in this field deliberately. One’s susceptibility to scams makes one a better consumer in general.

One fun way to familiarize yourself with the basic pattern of scams is to think like a scammer.

Warning: The following information is presented for self-defense purposes only. Any attempt to use this information to take unfair advantage of the susceptible and gullible will lead to moral bankruptcy.

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. The story you are about to read takes place on an imaginary parallel world in a parallel universe. Any similarities to real people or events is caused by the underlying similarities endemic to all religious scams. The names of people in this parallel universe have been changed to protect the innocent from the overly litigious perpetrators of similar scams.

Chapter 1: Fertilization

Once upon a time there was a man named Little Jack Horner. For obvious reasons, he went by the name of L. Jack Horner. Jack was a writer of Fantasy tales. He wasn’t a good writer, but he was prolific. It was like he had the legendary 10,000,000 monkeys inside his head, all pounding out words on their 10,000,000 typewriters. In short, what he lacked in quality, he made up in quantity. The pulp magazine editors found this handy when deadlines were looming, and kept him around.

One day, Jack was sitting in his editor’s office, a man we’ll call John W. Stewart. They were sitting around with a fellow writer, Robert McDonald Kinderlein, just kind of shooting the breeze. Horner was on again about how hard he had to work to develop stories that were good enough to earn meager pay of a pulp fiction writer. Maybe it was the cigar smoke, maybe it was the bottle of Three Roses Bourbon in Stewart’s bottom desk drawer. In any event, the conversation turned to how wonderful it would be if one could write a story that would just keep giving. A “golden egg” of a story for which people would pay, over and over again, to hear retold. Somebody in the room drew the obvious parallel to the “Ia-sus story”, or maybe it was the “Mu-Achmed story”, things were a little hazy by that time. Anyway, shortly after that, L. Jack pops the question.

“Why don’t we start our own religion? Just to see if we can pull it off!”

Kinderlein is noncommittal, but Stewart is intrigued. He promises to buy and publish anything of interest that grows out of the project, strictly as a work of fiction of course.

Chapter 2: Early Gestation, from Zygote to Embryo

L. Jack noodles around with the idea for a while. He starts out with an overlay for human psychology. He has studied some psychology, and possibly learned some things about himself that he did not like and therefore rejected. At any rate, he has recognized that most theories of psychology are represented by an imaginary framework, through which human behavior is identified and explained. There are no apartments in the human brain for Sigmund Fraud’s “It”, “Me-go”, and “Stupormego”, he thought to himself. All you really need for a framework is internal consistency. If someone wants to claim that it’s full of shit, well, let’s just see them prove it! If there was one thing that Jack had in abundance, it was imagination, so he gets right on the task of Explaining it All.

First, a name is required for the new philosophy. Something that sounds familiar, but new. Religious organizations have long been divided into two camps, Harpolonian and Diurnain. They take their name from the two mythical sons of the great god Breus, Harpo and Diurnie. Harpo is the god of ritual and digestive regularity, often associated with the sun for its nasty habit of rising every day whether one is ready or not. Harpolonians believe that god is silent, scary, and wants things like money and obedience. Diurnie is the god of excess and partying, often associated with beachfront properties and whorehouses. Diunians believe in having a good time, and only stopping to make their way home during the morning hours of the next day. Most modern religions are Harpolonian, and the philosophical bent is described as Harpologetics. Jack coins the term “Diuretics” as a label for his alternative religious philosophy.

Stewart prints some early essays, but Jack’s insight is not given the recognition and acclaim he feels it deserves. Somehow, he has failed to captivate and excite his audience. The fledgling religion is in danger of becoming stillborn. Something is missing. Jack is nothing if not persistent. He will write reams of chaff to glean a few precious germs of story. He is now obsessed with the idea of launching a new religious movement, if only to prove that he is smart enough to do it. He goes back to the drawing board, studying the success stories of those who had perpetrated similar scams in recent history.

(to be continued)

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Deal - A - Dogma

First, take a pack of cards and shuffle well....

I belong to a Yahoo group called Athiesthaven. The group's main contributors hail from the Eastern Hemisphere, and I enjoy the obsevations and the occasional, cautious, political news from that part of the world. You might take that last as a reference to China, but there are many countries in that part of the world where political activism is vigorously discouraged. Some of them might be thought of as "free", "democratic" societies by the average US citizen. I digress. Do your own homework if the subject interests you further.

Lately, a fellow going by the name of Basem Omar has been attempting to promote Islam on the site. I guess he likes a challenge. Of course, the scope of that challenge gives him a built-in excuse for holding himself blameless for failure. That thought, and this volley, got me thinking again about the sleazy nature of dogma.

The conversation starter:

RM wrote:
Islam Idiocy (Moronic Mohammedans)


[snip] Muslim woman are not allowed to be viewed by men outside the
family, not even by physicians.

Pregnant Belgium Muslim woman needs an emergency cesarean delivery,
only anesthesiologist available is a man, and the woman's husband bars
his entry into the operating room.

Basem Omar replied:

"the man is wrong
if it is emergency and there isnt any women doctor its allowed in islam to have the operation

now a question for you
whose in your opinion had preserved his pure nature till now

this man or that who share or switch his wife with his friends

i dont wait for an answer

best wishes


He had to wait a while for it, but I gave him one anyway. My response:

The man is not wrong because HE doesn't think so. He is also not wrong because the jibbering cleric who filled him full of this nonsense left that impression, either deliberately or through his own stupid interpretive rantings. One of the biggest problems with unfounded religious fanatical bullshit faith-based belief in what some bullshit-artist shaman/priest/cleric tells you, is that it is subject to a myriad of interpretations dependent upon what the control-freak-in-charge decides is convenient for his agenda that particular day. What kind of creator would give a rat's ass about this stuff? It's all designed to create embarrassment, submission to the power hierarchy, and to divide the human race into factions of exclusive ritualistic morons. A man who thinks for himself is not easily controlled, and probably won't do your dirty work without at least asking embarrassing questions first, and negotiating fair payment second.

Basem, you are so secure in your delusional bubble and so happy living life inside a fairy tale that you will probably never be able to see the actual point of all this hypnotic, ritualistic rubbish. Promiscuity is only a problem for those who wish to re-channel the human sex drive into religious ecstasy. Marriage is only sanctified because it provides a stable environment for breeding a replacement set of victims. The wealthy of this world tend to "go alpha" and do whatever the fuck they please. Rules are for the rest of us. Rules make us soldiers in other people's causes, and they get to cry crocodile tears when we get the shit blown out of us.

Back to your example of the, “man who share or switch his wife with his friends". Your example bespeaks a mindset wherein it is the male's decision, prerogative, whatever. Arrangements that take place between mutually-consenting, reasonably hygienic adults have nothing to do with you. If that lifestyle does not make you comfortable, then no one should have the right to force you into it. That works both ways. People do things without a complete understanding of the risks involved and pay the consequences. That goes for marriage too.

There are unethical aspects to the institution of marriage. Any relationship can suffer from coercion and be poisonous. People change. That's why in the real world, the one that's not pursuing wealth through guilt-tripping, we have divorce. In the current system, divorce is an opportunity for another breed of social parasite, the divorce lawyer, to make money. Alternative legal frameworks could be developed to protect the rights and future of children, but have not. This is because the institution of marriage is fanatically defended by religious fanatics.


I hope I wasn't too harsh.

The contradictions and ambiguities in scripture are deliberate. The preacher-man of [insert-sect-here] can stack the deck to support his message du jour. He can also, when required, point his finger at any religious absurdity and say, "No! You're interpreting that wrong! You're taking that: out of context/too literally/not literally enough!" The take-away lesson for the would-be Televangelist is... The True Faith is what you say it is this week. Anyone else is doing it wrong.

Today's slogan: "Faith. It's not just unprovable, it's unaccountable!"