Scamology, part 2.
Chapter 3: From Embryo to Fetus
L. Jack studies other people’s success stories. He studies Jacob Jones, the founder of Ritrardism, also known as the Lost Saints of the Deity Church, or the LSD Church. Jacob had convinced his followers that he had discovered several tablets of strange writing. These tablets were not stone, or even clay, but had been made by impressing symbols into huge sheets of salt water taffy. Over the centuries, the taffy had achieved the hardness of carborundum. That, coupled with its irresistible nature made the threat of broken teeth too real to allow anyone else to see these tablets. Jacob claimed that he was able to resist temptation and translate the tablets through divine intervention by the angel Boni, and by putting the tablet and his head inside a pickle barrel.
The tablets told the story of three Evacuations from the Middle-East in Biblical Times to the new world, and the civilizations resulting from those dramatic Movements. Among the people to spew forth were the Jarhedds, the Nejurks, the Lardast, and the descendants of Mukluk. Very, very, VERY long story short, there were Troubles, wars, and great and heroic feats took place. When it looked like the whole thing was circling the bowl, the prophet known as Ritrard, last in a long line of Holy Prevaricators, created a Reader’s Digest version of their history. He did this by painstakingly impressing individual characters into the once-pliable salt water taffy, typesetting not having been invented yet. Shortly after this feat, the art of making salt water taffy was lost, along with the art of making Rayon. This proved to be the death blow for the ancient civilization. The shame over the carelessness in losing these treasured recipes, the very things that separated their culture from the primitives all around them, caused the Last of the Nejurks to completely obliterate any trace of their civilization. Utterly consumed by self-disgust, they then marched themselves five abreast into the sea. Since they were Indo-European and not Chinese, it took them only four days, five hours, and nineteen minutes to become extinct.
That the tablets contained information about events that had not yet happened at the time of their composition is one of the Great Unexplained Miracles, and an article of faith in the LSD Church. The other one is how events that are tenuously linked to Pre-Calumnian civilizations in the Itchytan Peninsula in Central Amurka came to be discovered in a hole in the ground in Dysconnectedy, New Yawk. When questioned about either of these puzzling miracles, Ritrards immediately launch into a comparison of the two. Hence the birth of the expression, “to pull the other one”.
L. Jack was duly impressed that Jacob Jones and his successors were able to Sell this, and vowed to look into it further.
(to be continued)