Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Scamology, part 3

"If I'd had more time, I'd have written a shorter letter" - Cicero
Well, maybe not shorter, but definitely better edited.

Chapter 3 (cont.)

Disclaimer: This is fiction. If you make anything of it, it’s your own dirty mind at work. Go sue yourself. You know who you are, and so do I.

The story so far: L. Jack Horner is a Fantasy Fiction writer who has decided to create his own religion. He is to be the prophet-in-charge and head priest of course. He is in it for the money. He is pissed off because his reams of dross do not make him the kind of cash that one blabbermouth holy roller can rake in. After some meandering philosophizing that he no doubt considers “pearls before swine”, he decides to get serious.

Next, L. Jack turns his attention to Secret Societies. He studies the mixed success of one of his contemporaries, Aleister Frawley. Aleister was an egomaniac that sprang fully formed from his mother’s loins in Angland. He was also a Right Bastard, and proclaimed by a sitting judge to be the nastiest man in what remained of the Brigish Empire. This was meant in the same way that a deeply ethnic Black woman means it when she says, “You Nasty!”

Aleister took a page from more ancient Secret Societies, but formed his around the principles of Tantric Yoga and the stage-magic offshoots of Zoroastrianism. He did this mainly because it gave him the kind of cachet he needed to pursue his favorite hobby, buggering younger men and women. He is credited for being the first to re-spell “magic” as “magyk”, and is indirectly responsible for the spelling of, “chemical white shit used to lighten coffee” as, “kreem”. His evil lives on.

At the height of his success, Aleister had a whole colony of followers that thought he was a god and liked to be buggered. They set up shop in Sisilia until the dictator Muscletini took one look and kicked them the hell out of his future Mafia theme park. Frawley was quick to credit his “magyk,” and karmic retribution for the fact that Muscletini never lived to see his dream realized.

After that, it seemed like the ministry of Aleister Frawley faltered into the tepid regions of the lunatic fringe, but there was one or two things about his later life that L. Jack found interesting. For one, he largely supported himself through book publications. For another, he always seemed to have a tight cadre of loyal friends who would support him in his hour of need.

This in turn, led L. Jack to study Frawly’s inspirations, Dyspensky, His wife “Dyspenskia”, and their mentor, the famous mystic Curdcheif (pronounced like kerchief with a “d”). This bunch went all through Europe during the time of the Ruskan Revolution, convincing everyone that happiness derived from concentration and joy in menial tasks. They got a lot of free drudge work done for them in consequence. The Ruskian revolutionary, Topsky, liked their message very much, and thought it promoted the right blend of service and servitude. He was heard to remark that they could all have become great friends if only Curdcheif and Company had shared his love of vodka. L. Jack was impressed with the clever way that Curdcheif and the Dyspenskys got other people to toil for them, and pay for the privilege besides.

Frawley, like Jacob Jones before him, claims to be privy to secret knowledge, and have divine (or demonic) help in the translation. He also surrounds himself with arcane symbols which he imbues with mystical “magykal” power. For this portion of Frawley’s inspiration, L. Jack turns his attention to a very old and reasonably successful and durable Secret Society, the Stonelayers.

(to be continued)


At 6:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my GOD, I'm there. This religion is tailor made for me. Why is that...

Divine providence, or something bigger???

I'm so confused. Who in god's name will help out of this moral quandary?

At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

see, I told you it was all about sex...

At 7:09 AM, Blogger Romeo Morningwood said...

You should win a Pulitzoroastrian for these magnificent essays.

This is very timely as my BFF just received an invitation from the Cruisentologists who are setting up shop right here in the middle of nowhere!

A lovely invitation was dropped in his mailbox that promised the opportunity to discover his true self through 'Diuretics' or something. Apparently the Truth will be revealed like sh*t through a Goose!

How do you say NO to something like that?

At 9:25 AM, Blogger breakerslion said...

handmaiden: All about sex, money, or free labor, or any combination of all three. I'm not knocking those motives by the way, I just think if you want that stuff, you should just come out and say so instead of disguising it as religion.

Somehow, I don't think it would be as easy to use people without giving them fair value in exchange though.

homey: Thanks for the award! I consider imaginary awards to be just as real as the imaginary honors that real awards bestow.

I just love all that "Discover your True Self" bullshit. If you don't know, then why would you think someone not living in your skin would? Once you fall for the idea that they know more about you than you do, you have identified yourself as "fresh meat". I'm trying to discover my phony self, myself. Much more elusive and interesting character, I suspect.

My favorite way to say "no" is to respond in kind. In this case, a nice form letter-looking note, saying

"Dear Interested Party,

Thank you for your interest in (check one)

__ Saving my soul

__ Helping me Discover

a. my True Self and/or

b. happiness and/or

c. my true calling in life and/or

d. how to become fabulously wealthy without any significant intelligence or expenditure of work on my part.

Please fuck off.



At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

True, religions want you to think you are getting something in return for your eternal soul.
They have to satisfy you somehow while they are taking your cash & exploiting your loyalty

& I'll get off the sex subject.
I don't want to beat a dead horse.

It's a Pentecostal thing, anyway. I don't suppose Episcopalians work that angle

At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great form letter, BTW. I'm going to copy it.

At 3:04 AM, Blogger Plonka said...

I don't know, there seems to be something missing. I think I'll wait and see what else L. Jack comes up with before I commit.


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